This post has been on my mind for quite some time. I knew I wanted it to be my next post, I just wasn’t ready to sit down and write it just yet. Well, recent events have pushed me to finally sit down and do it.
Entering into a relationship after surviving a toxic one is going to be tough. It’s going to take all kinds of effort on my part to not let past trauma poison the new relationship. I’m going to have to be purposeful with my actions and allow my heart to accept new love. I’m not sure what he looks like, if I’ve met him yet or if he’s still a future plan, but to the man I finally give my heart to I want you to know this:
The person I am today took a lot of effort and tears to find, and I never want to lose her again. The person you see in front of you (although still a work in progress,) is a true definition of what can happen when you finally decide to love yourself. A decade spent in a toxic relationship is a great way to become completely broken. It eats away at you slowly until the reflection in the mirror is someone you struggle to recognize. I left that relationship the worst possible version of myself, and I am standing in front of you today as the best version of myself. I want you to know that although I’ve done so much growing and healing, there will still be days every now and then where I’m reminded where I came from. Please be patient with me in these moments, because it will hurt me to get a glimpse of her again. Kiss me on the forehead and remind me what an amazing woman I am, scars and all, and help me continue to grow.
To the man I finally give my heart to…
I hope that you are silly, sweet, patient, honest and kind.
I hope that I can be completely and unapologetically myself around you.
I hope that you look at me like I’m the only girl in the room, even though that chick at the bar is a total hottie.
I hope that you are respectful and polite, even to the worst waitress on planet earth.
I hope that you will cuddle me while we sleep, or at least until we are so sweaty we have to peel ourselves apart.
I hope that you will take care of me when I’m sick, even though you’ll be the one puking next.
I hope that you can make me laugh until I snort (or even pee my pants.)
I hope that you can see the beauty in a rainbow, a waterfall in the mountains, and want to get lost with me in the forest, even after I’ve peed all over myself because peeing in the forest is hard. (I might pee my pants a lot.)
I hope we can take a road trip with no destination while singing all the best songs at the top of our lungs. Stop at all the little diners, drink coffee, eat pancakes and floppy bacon until we are sick to our stomachs.
I hope you will sit outside with me on the porch, watching the thunderstorms come in, and walk with me in the rain after it stops to smell the clean air (and save all the worms from drowning.)
I hope that you will take me golfing, even though I’ll probably never make it past the first hole. (Hey, I’m a pretty kick ass cheerleader.)
I hope we can ride the carousel at Disney together dressed as Flynn & Rapunzel and pretend we are the only two people in the park.
I hope you always kiss me goodnight, even if I’m being a total butthead, or I ate too much broccoli.
I hope that you will watch a movie of my choice with me on the couch, knowing full well that I’ll be asleep in 5 minutes. (At least you won’t have to worry about me seeing you cry at the end of The Notebook.)
I hope that you will love my little girls just as much as if they were your own, and keep them safe always. Even when they are elegant little PMSing teenagers.
But most of all, I hope that you will love me even through our tough times. Because the real strength in a relationship isn’t the kisses that you give while you’re walking through the rain, it’s the kisses you give when you are so mad you don’t even want to look at me. It’s the deep breaths you take to stop yourself from saying something you don’t mean. It’s the moments you walk away to allow yourself time to react with purpose instead of anger. It’s the validation of feelings even when you think the other person is crazy for feeling such a way. It’s talking about the bad things even if it’s hard, instead of bottling them up inside. It’s coming together for a solution so that it’s us against the problem, not me against you. It’s the times where you give just a little more, because you know the other is struggling. That’s real honest to goodness, hold your hair while you’re puking cause you’ve been drunk idiot, cook you fish even though it’s disgusting and makes the house smell, clean up your dirty socks for the hundredth fucking time kind of love, and that’s the love I want.
“Be strong. Be brave. Be bold. Be weird. Be the you that you’re meant to be. Because you’ll never be more beautiful than in that moment.” – My very smart brother 🙂