Since my outlook on dating was changing, I got to thinking it was finally time to give Tinder a rest. I read online that Tinder has something like 50 million users. Clearly my soulmate isn’t one of those 50 million (Or is he?) so it’s time to move on with my life. Although Tinder is one of the most popular dating apps, thankfully there are plenty more for me to try out. Did you know there are thousands of online dating apps and websites? There are, I googled it. My friends are always telling me to join a new site. Some have suggested Bumble, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Zoosk, and Farmers Only, just to name a few. First up, Bumble. New year, new me, right?
Bumble is very similar to Tinder in many ways. You create a profile, swiping left/right is the same, and you can Super Swipe someone you really like. The main difference with this app though is that the woman has to message the man first. When you get a match, you have 24 hours to message them before they disappear. You or your match has the option of extending it by an extra 24 hours if you really like them, but you can only do that one time a day. I wasn’t sure how I felt about having to make the first move for every single match, but I kind of did that on Tinder that one lonely Sunday so I figured what the hell. At first my opener was just “Hey” or “Hey! How are you?” That clearly wasn’t the way to impress them because I got very little response. I started to feel sympathy for men having to come up with a creative way to talk to a woman. I didn’t want to use some cheesy pick up line though, so I finally settled on “Hey ____! Tell me a random fact about you.” This was nice because I could be super lazy and just copy and paste it to each one, making sure to change the name. That wasn’t my opener with Bachelor #8 though.
Bachelor #8 was the very first guy I messaged with on Bumble. I started his conversation with “Hey ___! I actually tried to super swipe you but apparently that costs real money on here haha.” Now remember, I had set some new standards for myself, so I was looking for someone a little more specific. I really wanted to find a dad. Clearly no one was going to compete with my original sexy dad, but this guy was pretty cute and had his daughter in most of his pictures, so I was happy when he messaged me back. He told me that he had just had surgery to repair a hernia and that he wasn’t able to do much for a while. I was on Christmas break, bored and alone, so I figured maybe someone to sit and watch Netflix with wouldn’t be half bad. He could barely move, so it’s not like I’d have to worry about him trying to get in my pants.
There was the extreme possibility that this whole surgery thing could be a set-up. He could be using it as a way to lure me to his house to do god knows what. I made plenty of risky moves in 2017, but what happens in 2017 stays in 2017 duh. I was starting off 2018 with a clean slate, and that meant there was room to make a few questionable decisions. He sent me pictures of his healing wounds, and my mind was eased a little bit. We made plans to hang out for the first time on New Year’s Day.
When I got to his house, I was pleasantly surprised to see him barely moving. He was most definitely in a lot of pain and couldn’t do much but sit. Perfect Netflix companion! If I hadn’t had a defining rock bottom moment yet, this one would surely be it. Loneliness makes us do some crazy things. He seemed to be a decent guy, he was cute and his house didn’t scream serial killer, so we spent the next few hours cuddling, and watching two movies. After getting my heart tossed around a little bit last year, it was nice to just have someone to chill with. I really didn’t see this one going anywhere, there clearly wasn’t a crazy attraction or spark. Both Bachelor #8 and I just needed someone to fill the empty space next to us on the couch, so we hung out again a few days later. Isn’t it strange how when you’re single, you find it entirely acceptable to show up at a complete strangers house and only moments later cuddle with them? At what other point in your life is that okay? We grow up with the rule that we shouldn’t talk to strangers! I guess when you’re a single adult in your 30’s and a typical Saturday night consists of sobbing into a pint of Chunky Monkey, you decide to say fuck it and go with that man offering you the candy from his van.
The third time we hung out, I got to meet his dog. The dog had been staying at his parents’ house since #8 was barely able to care for himself, let alone another living thing. However, he was starting to heal so the dog came home. This dog HATED me. I’ve never had an animal not like me, but this one thought I was the devil. I think that animal instincts are usually pretty spot on, but come on now sparky, I’m a nice girl. I spent the next several hours trying to get him to like me, but he just wasn’t having it. I even talked to the dog in a super sweet voice and asked if he wanted to cuddle me, he dead ass looked me in the eyes and growled. It probably didn’t help that his owner fell asleep on the couch only an hour into me being there, and the two of us were left alone to have a staring contest. Rock bottom is feeling lower and lower.
Although #8 wasn’t too sure about the fact that his dog thought I was the spawn of Satan, he wanted to hang out again. I figured it was either that or stare at the wall, so why the fuck not. I felt like I had something to prove to this dog. My mom suggested I put some bacon in my pockets. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t briefly consider it. I got myself all pumped up to meet this dog again, but when I showed up at his house the dog wasn’t there. #8 put a Netflix show on for us to watch and within 45 minutes he fell asleep. I’m not gonna lie, I felt like a total loser. Not only did his stupid dog hate me, but clearly I wasn’t even good enough of a Netflix companion to keep Mr. Hernia from falling asleep. I sat and watched Shameless while he snored for a few hours, and then I gathered up my pride and left.
Clearly, 2018 was off to a smashing start! You know what they say about rock bottom? There’s nowhere to go but up! To be continued with Bachelor #9 (and probably 10 since he lasted about as long as a donut does around me.) After that, we have just about caught up!