I read this quote the other day that said “Dating in your 30s is like going to the dump and looking for the least broken and disgusting thing.” I honestly couldn’t have put it better myself. I can’t speak for what it’s like to date in your 20s, because I spent my glory days trapped in a box, but what I can say is that by the time people reach their 30s we’re all just like what in the actual fuck happened to us. We’ve obviously been in our fair share of relationships, and some of us even said screw it and got married. Many of us have kids at this point, which makes scheduling dates about as easy as getting your kid to eat their broccoli. So when you find yourself starting over three decades into your life…where do you begin?
I’m not going to spend a whole lot of time on my past, because that’s not what this is about, but for these stories you do need to understand that never in my life have I ever dated before…ever! I met the ex (who we will just refer to as X from here on out) when I was a short skirt wearing, stretch mark free, painfully naïve 19 year old girl. He was the bad boy, because duh, and I was so sure with all of my years of experience that I could change him! How many of you are sighing to yourself like oh yeah I remember my bad boy. Yeah, we all go through that. Except I wanted to be in a relationship so badly that I literally dodged the red flags as if I were playing laser tag. So fast forward an entire decade. Two kids, two houses, and multiple cars later, and you’d find me…one step away from a one way ticket to Timbuktu.
Several months post escape, after I went through the whole “finding yourself” phase, I finally joined the wonderful world of Tinder. My friends had been begging me to do this since day one of my singlehood but I really did need to work on myself. I mean, I literally owned two bras. Two! My closet was full of Disney t-shirts and hoodies and I think at this point I owned 3 dresses (one of which was my senior prom dress). So before I threw myself out there, I needed to sex myself up.
Step one: The slutty club worthy dress. My kids actually came with me on this trip. So any photos I sent to my friends asking “Is this one slutty enough?” have my kids in the background. Mom of the year status acquired. They kept asking me why on earth I needed dresses though so I politely explained to them that eventually someone was going to want to take mommy on a date so I needed to be prepared. They were happy to help after that. I also bribed them with ice cream, because clearly I’ve got this parenting thing in the bag.
Step two: Learning how to do my make-up. I’m not even exaggerating when I tell you that I had been using the same make-up for the past 15 years. Same colors, same brands, same everything. I may have even had the same blush brush. Thankfully, I work with some fierce early 20 somethings that went into full “She’s All That” mode and were more than willing to help an old bitch out. $80 fucking dollars later I had all the tools I needed to attempt to make myself look dateable. Once I had the slutty dress, the make-up, and three bras I knew it was time to get out there.
Step three: Creating the Tinder account. Deep breaths…you can do this. What in the actual fuck am I doing? I don’t know how to do this! No one is going to want to date me. People are going to find out I was married and I have kids and the only guys I’m going to get are the gross ones. Or the old ones?! Maybe a sugar daddy wouldn’t be such a bad thing. The day I created my Tinder account I was at work. I walked around asking co-workers what type of picture I should use. I had no fucking clue. I finally picked out one halfway decent semi sexy faced picture of myself and created my account. At this point I didn’t have a bio or more than one picture, but it was a solid start. I eventually added more to it later that day and despite a few changes (the height thing…which I’ll get to later), it looks like it does currently.
As you can see, donuts ranked higher up in the worth mentioning part of my profile than even my own children. My mom of the year trophy case is overflowing at this point. But the amount of free donuts I’ve received is 110% worth it. Still no trip to the mountains though…
To be continued with Bachelor #1…